Going for the "Golden Victories"--Together! CM/FM 3169 1/98
1. God bless you! Mama and I love you so very much. We're so proud of you and so thankful for you! We feel privileged to have a part in leading this wonderful Family.
2. Thanks for always being willing to make the changes the Lord asks of you. I know it's not easy. I've been through quite a few changes myself in the last couple of years, so I know what it costs--the yielding, the saying yes, the sacrificing, the trusting. But it's always worth it, and in the end I'm sure you will agree that you end up being so thankful that you hung on and made the grade and passed the test.
3. I'd like to tell you about Mama's and my relationship with Rebecca, from my perspective. Mama's done such a good job of telling the whole story that I think my testimony will be considerably shorter. But I do want to testify of the wonderful miracles that the Lord has done and the blessings that He has brought into our lives as a result of saying yes, and following Him step by step.
4. This whole experience has been a wonderful confirmation to me of how it pays to trust the Lord and how He really knows what He's doing. He's the Boss, the One Who calls the shots, and we're just His little chess pieces, His little puppets, created to do His will, to bring Him pleasure, and to bear fruit for His Kingdom.
5. When the Lord first revealed the need for Rebecca to join our Home and take on the ministry of being our helper and my travel companion, Mama and I didn't know exactly what it meant or how far it was going to go. But the Lord helped us to follow Him step by step, as we heard from Him frequently in prophecy. To explain more in detail about our relationship with Rebecca, I'll begin back at Summit '96.
Summit '96--Two Generations Became One!
6. We who were at Summit '96 could sense that the Lord was doing a wonderful thing in the spirit. He had brought together the CROs and the young leadership trainees for a time of feasting and feeding on His Word and the Spirit. But something much more than just leadership training had taken place. It was something we could all sense. It was so real and so thick you could almost touch it! It was a wonderful bonding and uniting in the spirit. What were once two generations had become one.
7. A beautiful mutual respect had grown between the older "generals" and the new young leaders. They had learned to enjoy each other and to depend on each other. It was precious to see both generations fighting in the spirit, listening intently to the messages from the Lord and the instruction from Mama, crying together, laughing together, loving together, praising the Lord and hearing from Him together. It was a time of breaking, melting and molding together.
8. As with all summits, it was not only a time of intense business meetings and prayer sessions, as we had six hours of united meetings a day, but it was also a time of enjoyment and sweet fellowship, as well as lesson-learning. It wasn't easy for those in attendance, because the Lord was bringing about changes in their lives and requiring greater yieldedness. But because we were all in it together, hand in hand, arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder through it all, the Lord brought forth great unity.
The Lord Led Us Gradually and Slowly Along the Path of His Will!
9. At the summit I had gotten to know Rebecca a little bit by the time Mama's message about her joining our Home arrived. We'd had one date together, which was very sweet. I could tell that she was very sincere and dedicated, and that she really loved the Lord and wanted to do her best for Him. I knew that I would be traveling a lot in the future and I saw the wisdom of the Lord in raising up a traveling companion, someone who could not only help take care of some of the physical aspects of the trip, but be a secretary and general helper as well.
10. It wasn't quite clear to me at the beginning, nor was it clear to Mama, how our relationship with Rebecca would evolve--whether it would be simply a close working relationship, a teamwork for the Lord's glory, or a more permanent personal bond and love relationship. The Lord also sort of blinded Mama's eyes in the beginning to the sacrifices that would be required of her. I think He hid that side of things from us. The Lord was trying to make it as easy as possible for Mama.
11. So even though Mama was full of faith and positive about Rebecca joining our Home and becoming a part of our lives as my traveling companion, when she proposed it to me at the summit, had she and I known more specifically at that time what kind of battles this would entail for Mama, I think it would have made it rather difficult for both of us. And it might have been more difficult for Rebecca as well. But the Lord was so sweet and wise, and He led us along the path of His will gradually and slowly.
12. Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't like or love Rebecca, or that the idea of working and traveling with her was so terrible or so unattractive to me; it's just that I was very happy with the way things were--with my ministry, my mode of operation and my relationship with Mama--and I wasn't looking for a change. Also, having a full-time traveling partner, and a young woman at that, was a rather unexpected idea and it took some getting used to.
More Young People in Our Home!
13. It was interesting to see how the Lord's plan unfolded. After the Lord showed us to ask Rebecca to join our Home and after she accepted the invitation, the Lord also had two other young women join our Home. Then in the subsequent months, other young men and women joined our Home. This upped our younger population considerably, and it brought about a big change in our Home, for which we're very grateful.
14. After returning from my travels after Summit '96, I not only spent time with Rebecca but with all the young people, exchanging ideas and discussing the needs of the Family. It was during this time that the Grapevine was born, the production of which was eventually taken care of largely by the young people, with Mama's and my oversight, of course.
15. Mama and I were very thankful to have more young people in our Home, because both of us depend upon them a lot as far as seeking their input, their ideas and their reactions, which gave us what we felt was a better understanding of our younger generation. With time we felt like we had our fingers more on the pulse of you young people's burdens, desires, problems, situations, etc., many of which we were able to bring to the Lord in prayer to receive His counsel, ideas, and solutions.
16. Not only have the young people who came to our Home helped us tremendously by being honest with us and sharing their questions and heartfelt reactions to different pubs and situations, but as Mama explained, they've also grown tremendously in their responsibilities, to where they now carry a very big load and we don't see how we could possibly do without them!
17. When we look at our Home, although there are still differences or disagreements and things don't always run perfectly smoothly, we feel it is a good example of what the Lord wants to bring about in the Family at large, because there is a very good working relationship and personal interaction between the young people and the older ones. You don't feel any division in the spirit or any rifts or schisms; you just see people working together for the sake of the Kingdom, loving the Lord together, praising the Lord, praying, prophesying, and enjoying their service for the Lord together.
18. The young people in our Home are still very much young people! They still like to have a good time, they like to do things differently, they haven't "lost their identity." It's not like they now get along with the older generation because they've become old people. They're still as fresh and dynamic as ever! But they have progressed so much in the spirit in such areas as learning to be honest, going to the Lord and seeking Him in prophecy for their questions and problems, and having more faith in prophecy--not only those that are printed in the GNs, but also those that the Lord gives them personally through their own channels. They have grown in teamworking, faithfulness, diligence and prayerfulness.
19. Of course, that's not to say that the unity and good working relations between the two generations came about only because of the changes the younger ones made. The older adults have changed and grown considerably as well. They've learned to relate to young people better and have learned many lessons on being flexible, not expecting things to always be done their way, being more Spirit-led and not overreacting, and having faith in the young people to carry a big chunk of the load and more responsibility.
20. Mama and I are both very thankful to have all these dear young folks on our team and in our Home, and we consider it a privilege and honor to have them all as part of our greater marriage in spirit. In the months when I was home, the Lord had led Mama and me to have me spend pretty much equal personal time with the young women in our Home. (I haven't spent as much time fellowshipping with the young men in our Home, except for Francis, because they didn't join us until December of 1996, and I spent much of 1997 traveling.)
21. As Mama explained, she and I did see a bit more of Rebecca throughout the day, or at least each night for a short period of time, because of Rebecca's ministry of helping to care for our physical needs (along with our cook and helper, Rose) and also because Mama and I were training and preparing her for her future ministry of traveling with me. But as far as dates and personal fellowship, that was shared with all the young women on a pretty much equal basis as much as possible, because the Lord had showed us right from the beginning that He wanted us to spend time pouring into and training them all.
22. Sweet Mama was very giving, very generous as far as sharing goes. In fact, she was the one that arranged all the dates or times of personal fellowship, as that is what the Lord had shown us to do. Of course, we would discuss it together, but it was usually her idea, and she would talk with the different young women and make the arrangements. I was happy it worked out this way, as it not only made it easier for me, but it also made it easier for Mama, because by it being her idea, then she felt like she was participating, and that nothing was being forced on her against her will. It made it easier for her to share, as she didn't feel that something was being taken from her, but she felt that she was willingly giving. And she was and is a very cheerful giver, God bless her! I don't think I would have done nearly as well had the tables been turned.
23. Mama also spends time with the various young people in our Home, usually having conversations over the intercom, but sometimes also having personal conversations in our room. The amount of time she spends with each young person depends largely on their ministry. She doesn't have a lot of "spare time" just for fellowshipping or chit-chatting. So most of the time she spends with them is related to their work--either the pubs that they are working on, or the prayer and prophecy assignments that she gives them, or other types of secretarial work or physical work around the house. Of course, when talking about these things, she also has personal fellowship with them. They also make OHR tapes for her, keeping her updated on what's happening in their personal lives, and as a result, Mama does some personal shepherding of the young people as well.
24. As I said, Mama was very giving and she did so well with my sharing not only with the young women, but also with some of the older women in our Home as well. She did not previously battle jealousy at home, nor was she jealous of the women I would have dates with while traveling. It was not until the time that I would be traveling with Rebecca drew near that Mama started to have significant battles with jealousy.
25. It had always been difficult for Mama when I'd leave on my frequent trips for visitation and Family business--not because Mama was jealous, but just because it is difficult for us to be apart. It's difficult for me as well, because we're so united, so close in heart and mind and spirit, that we really feel the loss when we're not together. We just don't feel complete. It's so strange not to have Mama with me, not to be together to pray and praise the Lord together and hear from Him in prophecy, not to be able to discuss and counsel about the affairs of the kingdom, to enjoy each other's company, and to make love and love the Lord together.
26. It's not easy for either one of us when I'm traveling, but the idea of my going away for extended periods of time with Rebecca was understandably difficult for Mama. Mama did go through battles and it was quite a test for her, as she has explained in detail in her own testimony. But one thing that I want to make clear is that while Mama had battles with jealousy and the Enemy did attack her viciously, she was such a fighter and didn't give in to his attacks.
27. When you think of someone "really battling jealousy," you might think of them arguing, throwing fits and slamming doors, getting out of the spirit, being rebellious and resistant, and causing quite a ruckus and disruption of your service for the Lord. But Mama was never like that--not even close! She really fought her battles with jealousy, and usually it was just manifested in brief comments that she considered her "murmurs" or her "complaints." Overall she was very cheerful and very giving, because she knew the Lord wanted her to be, but she did it out of obedience. She didn't feel much joy in it. She was just "surviving."
28. The Lord used this experience with her jealousy to get her to go on the attack, to learn the lessons that she not only felt she needed to learn, but that were also very needed for the whole Family. Had Mama not had this experience, she would not have this testimony, and she would not be able to be such a wonderful help to all of you who experience some of the same battles with jealousy, possessiveness, selfishness, or fear of the future, or have gone through such things in the past. It's wonderful that we have a queen who can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities. She's not an unfeeling, insensitive, uncaring high priestess, but she's one who's broken, tender, understanding, and has immense love due to her own suffering.
29. I can't tell you how proud I am of Mama. I love her all the more for how she fought to gain victories in her weak areas. She was so determined that she wasn't going to take the Enemy's attacks lying down, and as you can see from her testimony, the Lord honored her faith, especially her total yieldedness, and gave her a tremendous victory!
My Love for Mama Grew All the More!
30. The experiences we have had together over the last two years, our drawing closer to the younger generation, our relationship with Rebecca, our greater marriage in spirit to all the precious ones in our Home, and all the lessons that we've learned as a result have been very rewarding. When I look back on this time, one of the things that stands out to me is how the Lord slowly and gently brought Mama and Rebecca and me together as a team.
31. When we were at the summit, I liked Rebecca. I thought she was a very sweet, considerate young woman, and I think she liked me, but there weren't any big emotional outbursts. We weren't in love, but there was mutual appreciation and we did have a sweet relationship, even though we didn't know each other well.
32. As I'm sure you all are aware, I was at that time, and still am, and have been for as long as I can remember, madly, passionately and totally in love with Mama. While I have had intimate relationships with others in the past, since I fell in love with Mama long ago my heart has always belonged to her! And since we've been together, having an intimate, long-term love relationship with another woman has never entered my mind. It wasn't something I was looking for or sought after or had a personal burden or desire for. I did not even feel the need for another female companion or co-worker, which the Lord has now supplied in Rebecca.
33. I have always been what I consider a "one-woman man"--that is, when I fall in love, my heart and attention are pretty much undivided toward that woman--and for more than 15 years that woman has been Mama. She's the Lord's love for me. She is my greatest earthly love to whom I'm completely and forever dedicated. And I can honestly say that our relationship with Rebecca and the other young people has not in any way hindered or lessened Mama's and my love for each other, but has only enhanced it and caused it to grow deeper, sweeter and more passionate.
34. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to have any greater respect or admiration for Mama. She has always been an example of yieldedness to the Lord, someone who is willing to change and be whatever the Lord wants her to be, even though it's difficult at times. She always had this quality to such a degree that it put me to shame. She has always been my queen whom I follow with the greatest devotion and respect.
35. But over the last couple of years, as I have watched this transformation in Mama and seen her forsake her selfishness and possessiveness, the thing that I hadn't imagined possible came to pass--my love, admiration and respect for Mama grew all the more! Though these battles were probably some of the most difficult tests she's ever faced, I've seen her practically be born again and created into a new creature right before my eyes. I've seen her desperately seek the Lord and want His will above anything else, no matter what the cost in personal sacrifice. I've seen her lay on the altar that which is most precious to her on this Earth. All of this has made me love her more! I think those of you who either have or will in the future see your loved one fight and win the battle over jealousy will feel the same. It inspires a lot of respect and admiration when you see your mate attacking and fighting in the spirit, and desperate to do the right thing. Praise the Lord!
36. That first trip I took with Rebecca back in March of 1997 was the toughest time for Mama. In the weeks of preparation before that trip, the Enemy fought her hard. She had some pretty tough days and nights, and there were times when she was pretty discouraged. I think one of the hardest things was not only the giving, the sense of loss, and the fact that I was going to be experiencing with another woman many of the things that she and I so much enjoy together, but she also knew this wasn't going to be a one-time thing, but that Rebecca and I would probably be traveling together time after time. Of course you never know for sure how permanent something will be, but I think we'd all agree that there's a big difference between sharing your mate with someone else for a few hours or even a few days, and sharing them for weeks or months, and repeatedly at that. Mama felt that from that point forward she would in essence be giving her husband to another woman for six months out of the year. (I say this because we had come to the conclusion at that time, which turned out to be fairly accurate, that I would probably be traveling and away from home approximately half the time.)
37. Feeling that the circumstances would remain the same for an indefinite period of time made the battle that much more difficult for Mama. Had it been something that was a one-time thing, she could have taken it much more easily, but it looked like it was going to go on and on. It looked like a permanent arrangement, or at least as permanent as things are in our lives for the Lord. The situation being what it was, she battled a sense of hopelessness, feeling that she was destined to just "survive." She didn't see how she'd be able to get the miraculous spiritual victories that she needed to be able to rise above the physical circumstances and actually be happy in the situation.
38. But I think you'd be amazed if you could just see Mama's prayerful, loving behavior even when she's in the midst of battles or feeling discouraged. She continued to do what she knew the Lord wanted her to do even if she had to smile through her tears. She had fully accepted the Lord's will and she wanted the Lord's will, but she was just having a hard time being happy in it and really finding the joy in giving that she wanted to have.
39. As I said before, it wasn't that Mama ever threw fits of jealousy, or yelled, or made ugly, accusing comments. But since she's so sensitive in the spirit and so constantly yielded, when she resisted or balked or complained, she felt very bad about it and felt like she was really missing the mark. But the Lord was so understanding and merciful, and He let her move at her own pace, knowing she would completely yield in time, and that it wouldn't cause any significant hindrance to His plan.
40. One thing that really helped us through the difficult times when Mama was having her jealousy battles or feeling possessive was that the Lord gave us the grace and faith to continue to be completely honest with each other, which helped us to be able to counsel and hear from the Lord together. It wasn't like I was off on the side somewhere doing my own thing without Mama knowing about it. We communicated together, we made our decisions together, and very much walked in unity concerning our relationship with Rebecca, and the other young people as well.
41. Mama greatly values the fact that she and I can share our hearts with each other so openly and so completely. She wanted to make sure that nothing would ever come between us or hinder this honest relationship, which is another thing that I think really motivated Mama to get a complete victory over her jealousy, because she didn't want me to ever feel like I had to hide anything from her for fear of hurting her. She wanted our lives to always be completely intertwined. She didn't want us to have any secrets, and neither did I. I wholeheartedly believe it was our honest relationship and our seeking the Lord together and hearing from Him that helped us make it through those difficult months, and not only just survive them, but come through more united and more in love than ever.
Mama's Miraculous Victory!
42. As I said, the first trip that Rebecca and I made in March and April of '97 was the most difficult for Mama, but it was during those months that she made such extraordinary commitments to the Lord and such tremendous progress! When I returned home from that first trip, I could immediately see a big change in Mama. She was so free that I knew that she had fought the good fight and the Lord had come through for her with a major victory! It was so thrilling! My heart was overjoyed! I don't think I ever felt such relief. I could hardly stop praising the Lord for the wonderful miracle He had done for my precious, precious love!
43. We were so happy to be reunited! We had missed each other so desperately and had longed for the time when we would once again be in each other's arms. We had such a wonderful reunion and we were so happy as we spent time thanking the Lord for the wonderful victories He had brought about on my trip. As I shared the news of all that we had seen and experienced, and as she caught me up on various news and happenings at home, I could see a real change in her. She was no longer guarding our time so intently. She was more open, more gregarious, and obviously more willing to bring Rebecca and others closer to our lives and hearts.
44. I had known that the Lord would give her the grace, and I knew that, being the fighter that she is, nothing would stop her, and that she'd have the strength and perseverance to endure the time when I was away with Rebecca. But I want to say that the degree of victory that the Lord had given Mama was truly astounding! Now, don't get me wrong, Mama has always been very loving and giving and free in the spirit. But I could not only sense it in the spirit, but I could see right before my eyes that she had been set free from the bondage or fear or possessiveness that had been holding her back before Rebecca and I had left on our trip.
45. I can testify that the Lord truly did a miracle in Mama's life, a big miracle! She was always very giving, but now her generosity goes over and above the call of duty. She doesn't just give to Rebecca now because she knows she needs to or she should or she has to, but now she wants to, she's happy to. She finds a joy in giving and sharing.
Our Relationship with Rebecca Grew Deeper & Sweeter in the Spirit!
46. After the Lord had given Mama this tremendous victory, the three of us--Mama, Rebecca and I--were easily able to grow closer together in spirit than we had been before. Before, we'd had a sweet union; Mama and I both appreciated Rebecca and were very thankful for her help, devotion, and love. Rebecca had become a very faithful helper, and we loved her and we knew that she loved us, but it wasn't like we were that bonded or that close in the spirit.
47. But in the months that followed that first trip in '97, our relationship grew much deeper and much sweeter in the spirit. Our communication was more honest. Rebecca continued to grow and mature in the spirit, so Mama and I were able to share more with her. We grew to know each other better, so we naturally worked better together. And with Mama no longer feeling so threatened or worried about the future, the whole relationship was much more enjoyable for her. She had always loved Rebecca more like a daughter, and their relationship continued pretty much like mother and daughter, but it was very sweet and they became much closer in 1997 than they had been in the previous year.
48. As far as Rebecca's and my personal feelings toward each other, it's not like Cupid's arrows ever hit or that we developed strong, in-love, emotional feelings for one another. But we did become good friends and learned to understand each other better and work together better. I am very thankful for Rebecca's help and support while traveling. I enjoy her company, and it's a relief to me to travel with someone who knows me well, because when I'm traveling, my schedule is always extremely busy. There's so much to do--meetings, appointments, business, shepherding, communication--and it's usually quite taxing on me physically. I find that it lightens the load considerably to have someone with me from home who is able to anticipate the needs of the situation fairly well and who is also able to communicate with Mama easily and freely. (Of course, I have benefited from the faithful, diligent help of other traveling companions from our Home as well, such as Gabe, Anna, James and Matthew. They too have been a wonderful support and strength to me, but in this testimony I'm talking specifically about Rebecca, as a member of the second generation, and the role she's played as a helper to Mama and me.)
49. Rebecca, as well as being a faithful helper, secretary and companion, also has the heart of a shepherdess. She's loving, kind and tender, and she has been a great blessing on our travels in ministering to different ones, being a listening ear, an understanding heart and a willing prayer warrior. Her being willing to do this, and do it so well, has not only been a big help to me, but also a wonderful blessing to all those of you who have felt her love, concern, and tender care.
Reach Out Today and Break Down the Walls!
50. Being close to not only Rebecca but all the young people in our Home helps keep Mama and me close to you of the younger generation and more acutely aware of your needs, feelings, and the way you see things, for which we're very thankful. Mama and I have seen the Lord's promises for greater unity fulfilled not only in our personal lives, but in our Home as well. It takes time, yes. It takes a miracle of the Lord's Spirit, yes. It takes a death to self, yes. But the rewards are well worth it!
51. Remember, the move toward greater unity between the two generations is not synonymous with love relationships or sex. Yes, there will be some relationships developing and there will be sexual sharing, but that is not the primary goal. What the Lord is looking for is the overall unity of our whole Family--more love, caring, sacrificing, giving, and sharing between both generations. He wants to see us learn to work together better so we can be more fruitful. He wants to see the Family tap into the talents, gifts and strength of the younger generation to a much greater degree, to the point that the older ones will allow the younger ones the place that is their due, so that they can stand side by side with the older generation, helping to carry the load.
52. Dear Family, both you of the older generation and you younger ones, won't you please open your hearts and lives to one another? Whatever it is that might be holding you back--whether it be fear of the future, jealousy, bitterness or just thinking that you don't get along and you can't understand each other--bring it to the Lord. Seek Him desperately for the answers and victories that you need, and He won't fail you. What He's done for Mama and me and those in our Home, He can do for you!
53. Reach out today and break down the walls! Open the lines of communication. Just make the first step, even a little tiny step, toward unity and love and mutual respect, and the Lord will meet you! Step by step you'll gather momentum, and before long you'll really be rolling! And then you'll look back with amazement on these days of decision, this time when the Lord asked you to make a commitment, to leave the old behind and to begin again, not as two generations, not as the young and the old, but as one.
54. As the Lord has said, this unity is a marriage made in Heaven. The Enemy will fight it because he knows of the great strength and victories that will come as a result. But we are confident that as you call out to the Lord with all your hearts to help you make the changes you need, He'll bring the victory and defeat the attacks of the Enemy. And we'll go on to become the strong, united, unbeatable Endtime army that the Lord wants us to be!
55. Praise the Lord! God bless and keep you! I know you can do it because the Lord can do it through you! He has sufficient love, grace, understanding and strength. Look to Him and He'll never fail you, and you'll find that this unity is truly Heavenly and will bring you such joy.
Much love, Peter
The Blessings of Saying Yes to Jesus!
Rebecca's Lessons in the House of the King and Queen CM/FM 1/98
1. I don't really know where to start, except to say that I know that it's "not by works of righteousness that I have done"--or any goodness of my own--that I wound up at Mama's Home, "but according to the Lord's mercy" He gave me His will and His plan. I think I feel as unworthy as Mary must have felt, who was just a poor young girl when the angel came and told her that she was going to conceive and bear the Son of God. Just the thought of living in Mama's Home is still awesome to me when I think about it!
2. So many times in thinking about what the Lord has done in my life I just marvel and wonder how He could choose me and how He could use me. I feel like the verse was never so applicable, that He uses the foolish things and the weak things, and I could add a whole list to that verse--the stupid things, the wayward things, the ignorant things, and the untalented things--because that's me. Actually, a big part of accepting the Lord's will for my life was learning to accept that He had asked me to come, and so He was going to do the miracle.
3. If there's one thing I can say through all I've learned, it's how much the Lord loves each of us, and how much mercy and compassion He has on us. In spite of all that He was giving me in asking me to come and work with Mama and Peter, still there were times that I wasn't yielded to what He was trying to do in my life. Yet the Lord and Mama and Peter and my sweet shepherds were so patient with me.
4. I hope that sharing some of the lessons I've learned through working closely with our precious king and queen will encourage you that if the Lord's in something, He'll help make it work. He'll give the grace, the strength, the love, the anointing and everything needed as you step out and obey. All that the Lord has done in our lives is something that I honestly didn't have the faith for when I first heard about it, but the Lord has done it, and it's beautiful and marvelous, thank You Jesus!
Meeting Peter for the First Time!
5. I first met Peter in Austin, when I was there helping with the situation after the accident in 1995. I only met him briefly, but was impressed with his sweet love and concern, and most of all his love for the Lord and the way he gave Him all the glory! He was very concerned about the little details of how the teens were doing, very attentive and gentle as he talked with people, and very humble when meeting and interacting with the parents. It was a beautiful sample to me, and I was so thankful for that experience.
6. When I found out that I was invited to Summit '96, I was excited, but quite nervous at the thought of being around so much leadership. I thought I would feel very out of place, but was excited at the thought of what the Lord was going to do in my life through it. Little did I know, ha!
7. Arriving at the Summit and beginning to partake of the classes and the time with Peter, Gary, Heather and all of our precious CROs was life-changing for me, as I'm sure it was for all of us young people who attended. It was beautiful to see the Lord's Spirit manifested so sweetly through Peter, Gary and Heather, and it was a tremendous strength to be around so many people who were so strong in the Lord, so full of faith. I'd been on the field shepherding and traveling for a while, and I have to honestly say that at times I struggled to keep the vision, as we needed to make a lot of progress in our Home and area, etc. So it felt like coming to Heaven to be surrounded with so much faith and strength in the spirit.
8. The Lord also started to work in my life and get me close to Him through different battles I started experiencing there. I started getting hit with a lot of personal trials and battles, comparing with others there, feeling inferior, as well as struggling to see things through the eyes of faith, as I had been so immersed in the problems up until that point that at times it was hard for me to see the Lord's solutions. These were feelings that I hadn't experienced to that degree before.
9. Experiencing these personal battles was somewhat new for me and threw me for a loop at first, wondering what was wrong with me! I've since realized that while I was on the field, because we were busy at the time with many "outside" battles of raising funds, striving for unity in our Home and area, going through persecution, etc., and I was intimately involved in those situations, the Lord in His mercy kept me from experiencing too many personal battles, and the desperation of feeling so incapable kept me close to Him. We were just very busy in our Home, and I don't think I could have handled it all had the Lord also allowed me to have a lot of personal tests and trials at that time. But then when I came to the Summit, it was time for the Lord to work on me personally, and learning to fight those kinds of battles again was a big change for me!
10. We were asked to react to a lot of the meetings and pubs that were being shared, and up until that time I hadn't really had to stop and pray about my feelings or reactions to things, at least not in a long time. So it was a new experience for me, and that made me get desperate with the Lord and search my heart; it got me close to Him and right with Him.
11. I sensed that the Lord had something that He was going to be asking of me. I didn't know what it was, and the feeling of uncertainty I had as I waited for the Lord to reveal the direction He was leading in my life made me get desperate. I started feeling insecure, or like the rug was being pulled out from under me, as far as the stability or security of what I was going to do or whether my situation would continue on the way it was. The Lord was clearly showing me that I needed to change in some areas--to love Him more, to take more time with Him, to re-evaluate my priorities.
12. The sample that I was seeing there in the older leadership was very convicting. They were so soft and mellowed by the Lord's Spirit, to where their personalities and natural strengths and weaknesses were less obvious, and the Lord's Spirit shone through clearly. I admired that a lot, and knew that I needed to be more like that. I asked the Lord to help me change and do whatever was needed to make me what He wanted me to be.
First Date with Peter!
13. After being there for about a week, I had a life-changing experience when Peter asked me for a date. Of course I wanted to have a date with him, but I felt shy and nervous, thinking, "What am I going to say? What am I going to do?" It was an awesome thought to be lying in the arms of the king, and I felt pretty shaky about it.
14. I went and knocked on his door, and as he opened the door he took me in his arms, and all my nervousness faded away instantly. He was so gentle and tender; he just held me there for a minute, and prayed for our time together. As we sat down and started talking, I couldn't have felt more comfortable with anyone. It was very sweet.
15. That night was very special, and it changed my life completely. It was the most beautiful manifestation of the Lord's love that I had ever felt. As we talked and he prayed for me and wiped away my tears, I felt like Jesus was there, holding me in His arms. As we kissed and made love, it felt like I was making love to Jesus.
16. I felt that night that not only had I made love to Jesus, but that I had experienced Dad and Mama's love, and I think Dad was there with us. It was very precious. I already felt like I knew Peter and Mama intimately from reading their Letters. I didn't need to have a date with Peter to know that he and Mama love me and that they love the Lord most of all, but this personal touch confirmed that they are as they're portrayed in the Letters. It made every sacrifice that I had made up until that point worth it, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was doing the right thing with my life, that I was serving the Lord in the right place, and that our king and queen love Jesus very very much.
17. Peter asked at the end of our date if I would write Mama, and of course I was very happy to do so, as I wanted to express my thankfulness to her for sharing her precious husband with me. At the same time, I didn't know if I would know what to say. How do you write a reaction to such a beautiful time? I knew the Lord would have to help me.
18. Waking up the next morning, as I started to talk to the Lord and love Him, it came so naturally and beautifully, and I was immediately there with Him, in His arms, just loving Him.
19. My date with Peter completely changed my outlook on loving Jesus intimately. Up until that point it had been difficult for me to concentrate or picture actually loving Jesus as I said love words to Him, or even when I was making love with someone. But after that time with Peter it was so different. It was real! I had felt it and experienced it, and it was so much easier.
20. After spending time with the Lord, I got up to write my reaction to Mama, and it just flowed. It was so easy to express all that was in my heart. I was thankful for the time I'd had with Peter that previous evening, and so thankful to the Lord for His love manifested in that way.
21. In the days that followed, the Lord continued working in my life and drawing me closer to Him. Around the middle of the Summit, April 11th, I received a letter from Mama with some messages from the Lord and an invitation to join their Home. I can't even describe my initial reaction to it. I was so surprised--shocked! I was honored that they had taken the time to pray about me--for any reason--but other than that, I was basically in a state of shock that the Lord was actually asking me to come to Mama's Home, and not only that, but to travel with Peter and work closely with them. I really just didn't know how to react. I started crying as I was reading it, and it seems like I didn't stop for a couple of days after that, although I'm sure I did, ha!
22. I hope it doesn't sound like I didn't want to do it. I felt honored and thankful to be given the opportunity to live and work with Mama and Peter in this way; but it was a real unexpected surprise, and I felt overwhelmed and extremely incapable.
23. Deep down in my heart I felt that if Mama really knew me, if she knew how bad I was, she wouldn't be asking me. I didn't realize it then, but that attitude was pretty dangerous, because in essence what I was saying was, "The Lord doesn't know what He's doing. I can't do this! I'm going to go there and fail and it's going to be terrible." Lord help me!
24. The Lord was merciful to me, because at that point He didn't make me sign a lifetime contract or even give a fully assured "yes." All He asked was that I take a step and try.
Encouraging "Welcome Home" Letter
25. A couple of days before the end of the Summit, Mama sent me a beautiful letter--I call it my "welcome home" letter. It was so comforting to me! She told me that she loved me and that she was happy that I was coming. It comforted my heart so much for so many reasons. One was that it was one of my biggest fears that I was going to make it difficult for Mama and Peter in their relationship--that I was coming in and complicating things. No matter how platonic or spiritual our working relationship might be, still, I was going to be traveling with Peter, and I was worried that it was going to cause Mama some battles, and that I would be the cause of it. I really didn't want that!
26. I also felt that I was going to fail. I was fearful of the future, that it was going to be too much for me and I wasn't going to be able to do it. The Lord sweetly addressed that in Mama's letter, and it helped to comfort my heart that He was going to slowly teach me--that I wasn't going to be expected to be perfect or immediately ready to do the job, but that He would train and prepare me.
Arriving at Mama's House--And Battles!
27. Coming to Mama's house was a beautiful experience. I was scared and nervous at first, but everyone was so sweet. Mama talked to me the first day on the intercom, and she was so personable, chipper and loving. I didn't know what to say, and don't remember what she said, only that she was so loving and positive, that she really loved prophecy and hearing from the Lord, and she asked me to please be completely open and honest with her. She said something like, "Actually, I don't care what you say--whether you think it's good or bad--as long as you're honest! I just love to hear your honest heart. That's what I want." So she made me promise to be honest and open, although I soon found out that Mama's idea of honesty and openness went far beyond mine, ha!
28. Of course, even though it was wonderful to be here, the Enemy also hit me with some heavy battles because of the spiritual warfare involved--all kinds of things, from fear of the future, to feeling incapable, to wondering if I was in the right place. Then I had battles with fitting in, learning to yield and flow with what the Lord was asking of me.
29. I didn't realize how much I had gotten used to being pretty independent and in control of situations, and how difficult it was for me to be told what to do and how to do things. Of course, everything was new. In learning to care for Mama and make her juice or her food, there were special instructions that the dear ones here had been following for years, but to me it was all so new--learning to follow such specific and detailed instructions.
30. I had to be willing to be taught and trained, to listen and learn from the various staff members here who were experienced in these ministries, and in turn these dear brethren also became more open and accepting of new ideas, new ways of doing things, and letting me take on the responsibility once I had been taught how to do it. I learned a lot about being prayerful and knowing the difference between which things were important that I just needed to yield in, and which were ones that the Lord had actually given me new ideas on, that I could present as possible changes.
31. I learned that the more I showed my willingness to yield, and took the humble seat in receiving the training, even when I thought I already knew how to do something, the more the older generation was willing to listen and accept my thoughts or opinions on the matter. It was often humbling to be told how to do something so simple, but the more I learned to yield, the more I realized I could really learn a lot from the people teaching me. Sometimes, though, when I was unyielded or sensitive, I didn't learn anything and instead felt frustrated and resentful. I went through battles about a lot of very little things like that. It was all part of the Lord humbling me and helping me to see that if there was anything good in me, it was only Him.
32. You probably still wonder how I could hesitate, or why it was so difficult for me to give up these very small things, in order to receive the very great blessing of living and working so closely with Mama and Peter. When I look back, these factors and circumstances do seem very small, but yet the battles were very great.
33. In asking the Lord about it, He explained the principle that though the sacrifices were small in comparison to the great blessings, still, the battles were very great because the Enemy was fighting fiercely. He knew the importance of my being completely yielded, and so he really fought hard with everything he could, even using very small things--which seemed like huge mountains at the time--to try to keep me from giving all.
34. One of my biggest fears was that I would cause Mama and Peter jealousy battles, or difficulties in communication because of my involvement with them. I was honest with Mama about this, and she always reassured me that because we were following the Lord, He was going to help us and keep us and bring us through. Even though she didn't tell me of her battles at that time, she was always full of faith that what we were doing was the Lord, and this helped and encouraged me very much to feel comfortable with them. She was very reassuring about my actions with her and Peter, and would often encourage me to spend time with them or be affectionate with Peter, etc.
35. Another fear I had was what would happen to me if I let my heart go completely and really fell in love with them. I knew I was going to travel with Peter, and that on his trips he shares with other women, and I was worried that I would get hit with big jealousy battles as I have in the past with others. I really didn't want to have to experience that again, and so thought it would be easier if I just hardened my heart and didn't completely let go. I held on to that attitude for a while, but the Lord showed me clearly that there were many blessings and much priceless training that I would miss out on if I kept that frame of mind.
36. I had to be willing to give my heart to the Lord and those around me if I was to partake of the closeness and intimacy that the Lord was trying to give us. Thank the Lord, I took the step of faith to give my all and trust Him for the consequences, and He has never failed! I see now that even though there were some battles with learning to adjust to having such an "open heart" with others, the blessings and rewards outweigh the sacrifices, and there are many precious jewels of lessons and experiences that could not have been obtained any other way.
37. As with any new working relationship, there were times that were a bit awkward when we were getting to know each other, learning how to communicate, and of course we're still learning. But at no time did I experience the really rough emotions that I thought I might from getting involved with what I considered a very complicated situation--working so closely with a married couple, and even traveling for extended periods of time with the husband!
38. You might say, "Oh, well, that's easy for you to say, because you're working with the king and queen--two of the sweetest people in the world, the most prayerful, the most loving, the most giving." And, yes, that's true. They are very special, and we couldn't ask for more loving and precious representatives of the Lord to lead and shepherd us! But at the same time, since they are the king and queen, the Enemy fought our unity all the harder. Even so, I can definitely say that it's been worth it. The closeness that the Lord's brought about even through the battles we've experienced has been very precious and far outweighs the temporary difficulty that we endured while going through those things.
39. Despite the battles I went through over yielding to the Lord's will, I wanted to do all I could to help the Family, and I loved Mama and Peter very deeply, and was so thankful for the opportunity to be here. Looking at it now, the sacrifices of giving up my own desires, my own independence, all the things that I thought were so important, are nothing in comparison to the fulfillment that comes from doing the Lord's will, and the happiness and joy that I've experienced from the love that He's given us.
40. Although now it's easy to see that the decisions I made were the right ones, at the time it was often difficult--not because I didn't know what the Lord's will was, but because I didn't know if I could fulfill it. The beautiful thing about all this is that I've learned that I didn't have to fulfill it--I don't have to. All I had to do was say yes to Jesus, and then He fulfilled His promises and brought me along each step of the way.
41. Little by little with each new step that the Lord would ask me to take, as I would do it, as I would go forward and forsake more of what I thought or what I had wanted to hold on to--be it my independence, preconceived ideas, or whatever--I saw that He would put the ground beneath my feet, He would help me, and I was actually happy with it! Of course, the situation wasn't always easy, but as I would go to the Lord and continue to follow Him, He would give me the answers and help that I needed, thank the Lord!
Lessons Learned from Mama and Peter
42. Mama is very detailed and she loves honesty, and she loves to ask a lot of questions. She asked me to make her a little daily tape, just of my activities and reactions to things, what I had worked on that day and anything that was on my heart that I wanted to tell her. It was very difficult for me to make daily tapes for Mama and to be so completely honest about everything! It was difficult because I wasn't used to being so honest. I wasn't used to being so close with someone that they knew everything that I did.
43. Since then, one of the things that I've learned about Mama, and which I really love and appreciate in her, is that she doesn't shepherd you according to her personal likes or dislikes, but really understands that there are big differences in personalities and ways of doing things, and she doesn't often try to tell you how to do things unless it's hurting the work or causing you to lose your time with the Lord.
44. I was afraid that in telling her about everything I did she would then be responding to everything I told her and getting involved in the littlest details of my personal life, which I didn't think I could handle too well. But I've seen through experience that although she will offer counsel or advice sometimes, most of the time she doesn't interfere, but only will get involved if it's something that is affecting your work for the Lord or your time with Him, or is hurting others in some way.
45. I feared that Mama would not understand me; but to the contrary, I have seen that she has a real gift for understanding, and is very Spirit-led in the way she handles our hearts. Mama is very prayerful in how she responds to our comments and statements! She will ask me when she doesn't understand something I've said, and will listen when I explain myself. There is a quote that often comes to me when I talk with Mama. It says "Oh, the joy, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person--having to neither weigh thoughts nor measure words, but just to pour them all out, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away!" (Good Thots 2, pg.1237, #6).
46. I've found that when I'm honest with Mama about something I've blown it in, if I am faithful myself to share the lesson the Lord is teaching me through it and what He has shown me, she often will not dwell much on the mistakes, but will just encourage me for hearing from the Lord and learning the lesson, and thank me for being honest. Of course, sometimes even after hearing from the Lord and confessing my mistakes and sharing my lessons with Mama, if I'm still not seeing things exactly right, then she'll help me to get the point a little more clearly by sweetly and lovingly pointing things out to me that I still need to learn.
47. I found it was much easier for both of us when I would react honestly and go to the Lord about something, rather than hoping she wouldn't hear about it, and then her having to talk with me and ask me to hear from the Lord about it, ha! The Lord allowed me to make a lot of mistakes--like to give me good practice in this important lesson on honesty and going to Him!
48. I've grown to really respect that quality in Mama, and feel very comfortable being completely honest with her and telling her basically anything--the little things that I like to do, or the way I felt led to do something, the exact words that I said to someone in a conversation, or the way I honestly felt and reacted to a situation. She is very patient and lets us go with our faith most of the time. And while she will offer counsel or suggestions when she feels it's needed, because she doesn't overdo it or try to be involved or give you counsel and correction on every little thing, when she does, it's easy to receive and you know that it's something important. She really is open to seeing the other side of things if you feel that she misunderstood something, and will hear you out and change her opinion if she did misunderstand.
49. I love working with Peter, too. He's loving and easy to work with, and very patient! (I was especially thankful for that quality, as I was just learning how to be a secretary, and so often blew it, Lord help me!) He would sweetly teach me how he needed something done, and if I didn't get it quite right he would go back over it again with me.
50. In looking back, I'm amazed at the time they spent helping me learn to do things right. They just had the faith that they were investing wisely by spending time teaching me--and all of us young newcomers--and though it took time, I'm so thankful they did! Now we are able to help them with some of the responsibilities they previously had to carry themselves, and thereby free them for the things that only they can do. Thank You Jesus!
51. Our precious king and queen are such good samples of loving shepherds. I think one thing that never ceases to amaze me is their concern for the little things, and their love for each Family member. When Mama is talking with you about any particular situation, she'll often stop right in the middle of the conversation to pray for the situation and the people involved. Her prayers are so full of love and concern--she has such a tender heart for people.
52. One thing about Mama is that, after being around her for almost two years and talking to her regularly, I still can't really predict what she's going to say when I ask her a question or for her counsel on something. It's not easy to think about a situation and say, "What would Mama do?" Just about the only safe answer is, "She'd ask the Lord!" If there's ever a question about something, her first response is usually, "I wonder if you'd want to pray about that and see what the Lord would say. I have a feeling we should do this, but then again there's the other side.[DELETED] So would you pray about that? Thanks!" It can't be put into a few simple words how much she loves and values and respects and follows the Lord's Word. If there's anything I've learned from Mama, it's how much we need to ask the Lord about everything, and how much He loves to answer us.
53. On that same subject, Mama is very open to new ideas, and will often be the first to suggest that maybe there's a better way we could be doing something. I never worry that if I bring something up, Mama will be hesitant because "we've always done it that way." She has a lot of faith for new things, and when the Lord okays something, she's happy to try it. It's very encouraging, and inspires a lot of initiative and new ideas.
I'm So Thankful I Yielded!
54. Although I always loved Mama and Peter very much, as I yielded, the Lord put even more love in my heart for them, and my new ministry became easier and easier for me. I'm not emotionally in love with Peter, per se, but I love him very very much and I enjoy his company and I enjoy our times together, whether on trips or when helping him with something at home. I love Mama very deeply as well, and I miss her terribly when we're away, but we stay close in spirit through our communications, and I'm always so thankful to come home and be able to be part of her life again.
55. Like I said earlier, it was one of my biggest fears that I would cause Mama jealousy battles, or that I would cause them difficulties in their marriage--what was obviously a very happy relationship--and I didn't want to upset that in any way. For quite a while I knew that things weren't easy for Mama, but it wasn't until she actually started gaining victories over them that she ever expressed them to me openly. Before that, although I did sense sometimes that things were difficult for her and I really tried to be considerate and sensitive and not do anything to hurt her, she was so sweet and loving that I never suspected the extent of the battles she went through.
56. When I did find out, although it wasn't easy for me, because I had yielded and accepted the Lord's will in working closely with them, I had full faith that what we were doing was the Lord, and that really lightened the load of the huge burden it could have been to know that I was causing Mama battles. It wasn't the big terrible thing that I thought it would be. I'm thankful to be able to say that through it my and Mama's relationship continued to grow and become even sweeter through our open communication, and now I would say we are much closer because of it than we were before.
57. It touched my heart so much that Mama would open her heart to me and share the battles that she went through, and it just made me love and respect her all the more. I desperately prayed that I wouldn't do things that made it more difficult for her, and this again got me desperate and made me open up even more, asking her what I could do, and through it we had very sweet times of love and communication.
58. You might wonder if I ever experience jealousy when traveling with Peter, since he often shares the Lord's, his and Mama's love with some of the dear Family women he meets. I'm thankful to say that while I have experienced twinges from time to time, the Lord has helped me to resist it and it hasn't been a big problem. Mama wrote me while I was on my first trip with Peter and she explained the dangers of my being jealous, that it would make things more difficult for Peter and that it would make the women he spends time with feel intimidated, worried and reserved, which is not acceptable. That counsel from Mama was a good little shake-up for me and helped me to go even more on the attack.
59. I am very thankful for all the personal time I spend with both Mama and Peter, and I want others to be able to partake of that blessing too, as much as possible. I would never want to do anything to cause people to feel like they have to pull back or not be as close to Peter as they'd like to be when they have the opportunity to meet him. Of course, it is my tendency to be somewhat possessive of people I'm close to. This is part of my personality or nature, I guess, because I've also felt possessive of the men I've been close to in the past, my shepherds, even my friends. But the Lord has helped me to fight that urge to be possessive and jealous with Peter and I'm very thankful for that! I'm especially thankful that I have never felt the least bit jealous in regards to Mama's relationship with Peter. I'm pretty sure the Lord knows that that would just be too much for me, and as He has promised, and as I have seen fulfilled, He never suffers us to be tempted above that we are able. Praise the Lord!
60. During these last couple of years with all of us young folks "invading" the staff, there have been growing and stretching pains for all of us. It has required sacrifices on everyone's part, and by the same token, we've all reaped the benefits. Something that has really made me respect Mama and Peter even more is how they led the way in taking us into their lives, even into their personal lives, into their work, and made us a part.
61. Of course, it was at personal sacrifice for them as well in some ways, but they did it wholeheartedly because that was what the Lord had shown them. They gave us real genuine love and acceptance, and encouraged everyone else in the Home as they did the same. I thought it was a beautiful sample, because we sure weren't that easy to love at times. I know I gave them a difficult time with some of my bad attitudes or not being as yielded as I should have been. But even when we young people felt we wouldn't make it, they never doubted that we would pull through, and continued to trust us and pull us in closer.
62. As the months have passed, the Lord has drawn us closer together as a Home, and I can say from experience now that the beauty and closeness and love that He's given us have come because each of us was willing to yield in the way that He was asking.
63. Something which has really helped our Home to become close in spirit is living the Law of Love and sharing. That is something which, while I believed it was right in principle, I had never really seen a good working example of it, and so was very hesitant and had fears and reservations about it. Of course, it hasn't always been smooth sailing in our Home, and we've had our fair share of the battles which inevitably accompany reaching out and sharing. But for me it was a big victory to realize that the Lord considers it worth fighting for and worth going through those difficult battles in order to live the Law of Love to the full.
64. I think in the past my mindset was one of, "If it's causing battles, it must not be right, so we'd better stop it." I've learned from my experiences here that it's often quite the opposite, because of course the Enemy is going to fight our loving and giving to one another! It's never easy, but it's definitely worth it! That was a real key for me, to realize that it's often as you communicate and pray through the battles that you become closer and are able to give more and love more--not only in the area of sexual sharing, but in communicating, working well together, and just about every area of our unity in spirit as a Home and Family.
65. I so dreaded the personal battles, and of course the last thing I wanted to do was cause someone else battles, but they came, and I have seen the good fruit the Lord has brought about through them. When I've shared with others in love and prayerfulness, even if it was someone's husband, in every case it's brought us closer together--not only me and the husband, but also me and the wife.
66. I'm so thankful to all those precious ones here--both couples and singles--who have opened their lives and hearts to receive us young folks, to bring us in, teach us, train us, love us, and be willing to endure the battles in order to become closer and "one body." They've shared their hearts, given us some of their work and responsibilities, shared their wives and husbands, and welcomed us to come in and join their lives in order to learn and grow together with them. We young people had to be willing to come in humbly and learn, and the older generation had to be willing to give and sacrifice in order to bring us in. Now that we've made it over the initial hurdles, it's a beautiful picture and the good fruit is obvious. But just to encourage you, it wasn't always that way--at least not from my point of view, ha!
67. I'm so thankful that I yielded. I'm so thankful that I "said yes to Jesus." I know I couldn't be happier, because I know that I'm in the Lord's highest will for me right now. I'm doing what He wants, and the results are going to last for eternity.
68. It's not the plan I would have chosen--so many things about it just aren't "me." I have to laugh when I think about why the Lord chose me to do this job! On the way home from our last trip, Peter and I were talking on the airplane, and he was commenting how funny it is that the Lord chose me for this job of traveling with him, at least some of the time. Of course he was saying this all very sweetly, and we were just having fun, but it's true! Even physically I'm not so strong and I'm not so adaptable. In hot weather I get heat-rash, in cold weather I get cold easily and have to really bundle up. I have a difficult time traveling. I'm rather shy when it comes to meeting tons of new people. I'm not a professional secretary, and that whole side of things is fairly new for me. Everything about the job is new for me, and yet the Lord asked me to do it.
69. This is certainly a testimony of how He takes the weak and foolish things of the world to confound the wise. In my case, He took me, someone who didn't have talents in a certain area, and asked me to do this job so His power can be seen through me, so people will know it's not my own gifts and talents, but it's just His strength in me. All I can say is that I am an unprofitable servant, and it's been the Lord's love and mercy pulling me through and helping me to make the right decisions.
70. I'm so thankful to be a part of Mama and Peter's life, as well as all the dear ones here, and I'm so thankful for all the love that they've given me. Through this I've learned to be honest and open and to communicate openly and freely about my feelings--prayerfully, of course, and in love, but not being afraid and hiding things; being able to tell them everything.
71. I'm so thankful that the Lord has drawn me closer to Him through this, and helped me hang on to Him and get desperate with Him for every move, every step. I'm so thankful that it's strengthened my connection with the Lord and my channel of hearing from Him. So many times I didn't know what to do and needed to ask Him. I'm so thankful that it's made me more of a new bottle, ready to receive the New Wine the Lord is pouring out.
72. So many things were new for me. I never thought I would enjoy working so closely with a couple--much less being so close with all the members of our whole Home, and working so closely and intimately and sharing so much with each one. But I'm so thankful! All these changes in my life have been for the better, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that it has been worth it every step of the way. Thank You Jesus!
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Rebecca's Reaction to Her First Date and "Loving Jesus" Time with Peter
Dearest Mama, 3/96
73. I love you so much and pray for you always! Being here [EDITED: "at the Summit"] has been life-changing in so many ways, I'm so thankful! I had the privilege of spending some sweet time with Peter last night, and Peter mentioned that if I wanted to write a little reaction you would probably like to hear it. Besides, it was so beautiful that I wanted to write you about it and let you know how it changed my life.
74. If I ever didn't know how to start a reaction, this is definitely it! Ha! I feel so happy and thankful, and like I still can't believe it really happened, it was so beautiful and sweet! It's hard for me to put into words what I felt, just because our "tongues of men" don't really do the subject justice when it comes to things like this. I don't really have much to compare it to, but I imagine that what I felt is something like what people feel when they get saved or miraculously healed, or experience some other touch of the Lord's love in an overwhelming and tangible way.
75. I just felt so much of the Lord's love! It was so overwhelming and all-encompassing and so comforting. Peter was so gentle and sweet and thoughtful and had so much love. I don't know how else to describe it except that I felt that Jesus was making love to me. (And I guess He was, because Peter was such a yielded vessel in "being Jesus" for me!) Loving Jesus together was so beautiful and fulfilling. It was all so real and natural and comfortable, I felt like the GNs came to life.
76. I have tried practicing "Loving Jesus" with others, and I'm sure the Lord appreciated our clumsy efforts, but it never flowed quite so well. I guess it takes practice and getting comfortable with it. It's my heart's desire to put those GNs into practice in my life--not just the part about having spiritual sex with Him, but also being so in love with Him that I include Him in every part of my life, every thought, every word. I desperately want to love Jesus like this sample I've seen, and make it a part of me so that I can share it with others.
77. Not only was the lovemaking with Jesus wonderful, but the whole time was sweeter and more special than I could ever have imagined. I feel like the Lord took my heart's desires and put them together with a special kiss of His love. I really had wanted to have a date with Peter, but I probably would never have said so, just because of my pride; also because I wouldn't want him to have to do any more work than he already has to do, so I was so thankful that the Lord worked it out this way. (Peter just invited me to come to his room for some talk and cuddle time.)
78. It was so much fun to be held in his arms and loved so gently and kissed so very sweetly. He told me that the love he was giving me was from you as well, which made it even more special. Thank you so much! I felt like it was a reward from the Lord in many ways. Not that I deserve it in any way, but I felt like He was personally kissing me, and even that He was giving it as a reward for times or situations that have been difficult.
79. Right afterwards the Lord spoke in prophecy, and although I don't remember all that He said, I do remember that as He spoke He knew my heart and every thought. Now I also have something I can take with me to always remember it by and learn from. The tape of the prophecy hasn't been transcribed yet, but the main point, if I remember correctly, was that He was lovingly teaching me the importance of my time with Him.
80. In remembering the whole experience now I just cry, as I know I am so unworthy and undeserving, but I'm so very thankful! Feeling the Lord's love in such a very special way like that has changed my life forever, and I pray that I can carry it with me and share it with others. This morning when I woke up, my first thoughts were of loving Jesus, and as I took some sweet time with the Lord, it seemed to flow so much easier than in the past, like it was more real or something.
81. One other little thing that I wanted to share, even before last night, was how much it has meant to me, and I'm sure quite a few of the others, the way that Peter, Gary and Heather have made themselves so approachable. With such a long haul of meetings as we are having here, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had asked us to please not disturb them between meetings or something along those lines. To the contrary, they have spent so much time with us individually, sharing sweet fellowship and being concerned, loving shepherds.
82. I've always loved you and them for the big job that you do, and I respect you and the anointing that the Lord has given you very much, but this has deepened that in a big way--I guess just seeing their sample. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess it's like falling in love, to where you are then willing to go anywhere and do anything out of love and loyalty, now not only to the Lord, but to you as well.
83. Oh, one other thing that has been real special about this whole time, and several of the girls here have mentioned it to me, is that on dance night when we danced with Peter, we felt Dad there somehow, almost like he was dancing with us. It was quite amazing and very special, as most of us always wanted to meet Dad and of course be held in his arms. So I guess the Lord has anointed Peter to fill that place, and maybe Dad was even there in the Spirit!
84. I love you so much, and am so thankful for you and the love the Lord has given you. Thank you for this opportunity and for your sweet love and faith. I pray for you always, and I pray--even more now that Peter and Gary are away from you, being here--that the Lord will strengthen and anoint you for each moment. I love you!
With much love and thankfulness forever,
85. PS added later: I just wanted to add that since then I have had other very special times of loving Jesus with others, and each time it has had the same beautiful result of drawing me closer to the Lord and again making it easier for me to love the Lord. Some of the most memorable or special dates that I recall have been those when my partner was loving the Lord with true abandon--giving our time together a new dimension, and drawing us both closer to the Lord. Not only is it easier for me to love the Lord privately afterwards, but the whole date is more free, sexy and fulfilling for both of us. Thank the Lord for the precious gift of loving Him intimately! n
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