From XFamily - Children of God

All of These Things Moved Me

— Reflections on Wounded Healers, the Responses to No Regrets, and the Second Journey

By James Penn 18 February 2001

Copyright February 2001. All Rights Reserved

Dear John and Sue,

A belated happy New Year and I hope that it is progressing well so far. It's amazing to think that just a year ago we were recovering from Y2K panic. The past year went very quickly for me; a sign, I am told, that I'm getting old.

So how are you? It's been nice talking to you on the phone the few times I've called, as well as to your kids. You've got a wonderful family. I hope things are continuing to improve in your new business.

You asked me what kind of reactions I had been getting to No Regrets. Your questions always require a lengthy response! I received a wide variety of replies and responses, which I'll get to shortly, but first I'd like to fill you in on what I've been up to.

LIFE AFTER THE FAMILY: A Progress Report

Life has been busy and challenging, something that I'm grateful for. I've mainly been studying; finishing some Certificates and starting a Bachelor of Arts degree program. So far I've completed four Certificates, three of which are in the field of Business Writing and Editing. These have been helpful, enabling me to work at the industry standard.

I finished a comprehensive Certificate in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL) at a Christian college. This gives me a skill that I can use at home or overseas to support myself, possibly in a tentmaker ministry. It also has a long shelf life; I can teach when I am old! One of the instructors at the ESL school where I teach is a frail lady in her late 70's. Just recently she returned from St. Petersburg Russia, where she had been teaching with a mission agency for five years!

Of the various TESOL courses, I particularly enjoyed Cross Cultural Communications and Sociolinguistics. Summer school was rough, but overall, the courses were rewarding, as I enjoyed learning in a Christian environment and integrating my faith with my studies. It was also a chance to get involved with the Christian community after 30 years of relative isolation. I could write a book about the Family-based misconceptions and negative stereotypes of Christians that were, and continue to be, shattered by daily reality. Painful, but a good thing.

Last fall I started a degree program at a nearby publicly funded university. The program is tailored to middle-aged people like me who are returning to school. Most of my TESOL credits and other Certificates can be applied to this degree, and once I have it, I will be able to advance beyond entry-level ESL teaching.

This past semester I took five courses, mainly electives: Psychology, Law and Philosophy, Adult Learners, and two in Criminology. I enjoyed them all. Adult Learners implanted in my brain the maxim that a good instructor is not "a sage on the stage, but a guide on the side." I especially enjoyed the Criminology courses. I took these because of my volunteer work at a penitentiary.

It's been a lot of fun. As Mo used to say, "It feels so good, it must be a sin!" I have come to love learning; not just taking courses, but really learning. I enjoy the research, the challenges of difficult assignments, the exploring, and the pushing back of familiar horizons. I can agree with Mo when he wrote "Learning, learning, learning--it never ends! I love it! I always want more" (ML#510:27)! It's a privilege to have an opportunity to do some intentional, guided learning. Millions don't have it. An old high school friend, who is now a university professor, observed, "Getting an education is delightfully decadent, like eating chocolate cake."

I enjoy my learning experience on two levels. First of all, it equips me with certification and practical skills. When I left the Family I had very few marketable skills. 20 years in WS did not equip me for much in the real world. What do I put on my résumé? Head of security and camp manager for a WS Unit? Consultant on how to wiggle out of allegations of child abuse? Sure I could write, but what could I show clients when they asked to see some samples? The Child Abuse Statement? The Tribute to David Berg? I felt so useless.

I soon discovered that some sort of formal training is necessary to make progress in just about any occupation. Some former Family Members have done well without training, but I felt that I needed it. And now that I have completed some Certificates, it is so much easier to get work. More opportunities are available to me; more doors are open to do interesting and worthwhile work while earning a living.

Secondly, my formal learning has made me a better person; enriching my life and broadening my horizons. 27 years of reading Mo Letters does not make for a wealth of knowledge. I'm studying not only because it helps me work-wise, but also because I enjoy learning. It's exciting, almost intoxicating to think that every three or four months I will learn a whole lot more than I currently know.

In my Psychology class we studied the neuron. Each neuron has many dendrites, which have pointed little ends that reach out and receive information from the other neurons. "Science has discovered" that if a person stops learning, as some adults do, the dendrites develop stubby ends. It's a case of use it or lose it. But, the good news is, the process can be reversed if the person starts learning again. So my daily prayer is for my dendrites, which were probably very stubby, to heal. In the last Adult Learners' class, each of us had to write a haiku about our experience. Mine was the true prayer of every adult learner.

My old dendrites are

So stubby and withered.

Heal, my dendrites, heal.

I have been pleasantly surprised to discover that I can easily incorporate faith-related subjects into the course work at the publicly funded university. Public schools will not necessarily help develop a Christian world-view from scratch, but anyone who has it can certainly explore it in the context of the course work. In the Criminology class, one of my two term papers dealt with sexual assault, so I researched how Christian communities treat victims of rape, and incorporated the findings into the paper. "Christianity, Faith, and Prisons" was the topic I chose for the second paper. The instructor loved it, even though her worldview is different from mine. She is a radical feminist, married to another woman who just gave birth to their third child!

In the Prison Corrections class I did a presentation on a Christian volunteer group that sponsors one-to-one visitation programs in prisons, and also provides circles of support for inmates once they are released into the community. During the question period the class got into a discussion on punishment, faith, and forgiveness, and I explained all about God's grace and His plan of salvation! It took place in a respectful environment and was well received. Most of the students are in their early 20's, and not really sure about what they want to do with their lives, so it's nice to gently point them in the right direction.

So going back to school after a 30-year hiatus has been a success -- so far. Not without its battles, but quite rewarding. I am adapting well, getting good marks (3.7 GPA), and experiencing some real live learning. Of course, I have had to erase the mental conditioning that Mo instilled in us concerning education, but it has been easier than I expected. Again, it reminds me of something Mo wrote. "It's amazing how many years you work to indoctrinate the people and how quickly it can be washed away by the truth. All those years of lies and lying propaganda are just completely swept away…(ML 1260: 4).

School was difficult to begin, though. As I told one instructor, for me the learning curve was not steep, it was vertical! I had no faith in my ability to handle university studies. But I started by faith and when my first assignment was returned with an A, I remember thinking, "Maybe, just maybe, I can handle this."

A few months later I did a research paper for the upper-level Cross Cultural Communications class. As a topic, I chose to develop a culturally sensitive plan for reaching a certain people group with the Gospel message. This involved researching their cultural and religious background and interviewing missionaries who are working with them. The instructor, the chair of the department, gave me 100% on the paper, saying that it was one of the best papers he had read in 15 years of teaching. This was an incredible boost, as it involved not only research and writing, but also comparing and contrasting Christianity with different religions; all for an instructor who would detect theological inaccuracies!

So, I've become an evangelist of education. Formal learning and training has many benefits, and I strongly recommend that everybody, especially young people, get some! People with marketable skills have many more opportunities to do good in the world then those without. So many Family and former Family young people are smart, and can do a lot of good if they develop some skills. In this day and age, effective missionaries have to do more than just "love Jesus." They must possess some talents, some "secular competencies;" and looking after other peoples' babies, clowning, or demonstrating Life With Grandpa handyman skills do not cut it.

The more I progress in my post-Family "second journey" the more I have come to regard the Family's anti-education doctrine, culture, and ethos as almost criminal. Mo, Maria, and Peter's deliberate belittling of any non-Family learning has in effect denied countless numbers of children raised in the Family the opportunity to get a proper education. Sure, children and teens may take Christian Light Education courses or something similar, but how many successfully complete high school? How many are given any encouragement to attend post-secondary institutions? The Family culture, as expressed in the Charter and innumerable publications, is diametrically opposed to anything more than a minimum education. This thinking severely handicaps any young person who wishes to live outside the Family. It is such a tragic waste.

My work situation is improving. In addition to editing text for Web sites, I have written some brochures for charitable organizations. As well, I teach ESL part time. It's a blessing to work with people of different cultures who are generally humble and appreciative. I could get more work, but I want to finish the degree. Thank the Lord for student loans and grants.

The volunteer work at the penitentiary is going well, although it has its ups and downs. A few months ago I went to the parole board hearing of an inmate who I have come to know quite well the past year. He is doing life and has been inside since 1977. However, he is allowed to apply for parole every so often. The hearing was brutal, as the officers did not like him and raked him over the coals, forcing him to describe in detail his crime of 23 years ago. By the time they were finished, he was weeping. They denied his parole and transferred him to a medium security facility. He is not allowed many visits, so now we stay in touch via mail.

It's discouraging when this happens, but it causes me to check my heart and motives. A prison ministry has to be a long-term commitment and I have a lot of respect for the people who do it, year after year. In spite of the setbacks, I have a passion for reaching inmates, as there is so much opportunity for God to work in their lives. If I were to identify the one thing that has helped me grow as a Christian since I left the Family, I would say that it is my involvement with inmates and learning about restorative justice.

Every second Sunday I attend a simple, unstructured, and low-key Christian service at the penitentiary. I have seen amazing changes in the lives of some of the inmates who attend the service. One fellow, a Native American, is in for life and until recently would not look at anyone in the eye or talk to people. He was a mess. But he came to the services month after month, and slowly started opening up. One day he got up and talked publicly about what the Lord meant to him, things he was learning, and the crimes he had committed. This was difficult, as inmates rarely show vulnerability or discuss their crimes in front of other inmates. For him, it was even harder, as most people present were Caucasian.

Changing subjects, I've joined a faith community where I feel comfortable. We meet at the local recreation center in a rented function room; nothing fancy, just a basic New Testament fellowship. Many members are active in the prison ministry, which gives us something in common. The pastor is a good fellow; grace based. My litmus test with Christians is how they react to The Ragamuffin Gospel. If I see their eyes light up as we discuss it, I know I am in good company.

I'm also helping lead an Alpha group. Alpha is a versatile course that introduces non-believers to Christianity in a non-threatening manner. If you're interested, there is more information at www.alphana.org. I guess I sound like an advertisement, but it's a great chance to witness in an effective way.

In what little spare time I have, I go to the gym, hike, bike, and do fun things with my friends' kids. Not having any kids myself, their kids are a big part of my life; all the fun and none of the responsibility! I sometimes take the older boys camping, and help one of them with his driver's education; practicing driving with him.

So I'm busy and challenged, and it looks like I will continue that way for some time to come. I constantly have to be analyzing the "big rocks," the priorities in my life, and deciding what is really important. All in all, I've got a great deal to thank the Lord for.

Of course, there are still many unknowns in my future. I have my share of battles and trials. These include my besetting sins, loneliness, and remorse over some of the things that I did and condoned during my time in the Family, and the ongoing realization that I wasted many years of my life, laboring in vain. Like many others, I wish I could be young again and do things right; accomplish good without having to partake of all the weirdness. But I explained that in my last letter. These regrets will probably just be part of the cross that I have to bear. I know Jesus loves and has forgiven me, but the wounds take time to heal. I take comfort in promises such as "I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2: 25).

I was talking on the phone with another former member recently, discussing and lamenting about some of the hard times we have faced since leaving the Family. Particularly her, as they have a big family, and the adjustment has been stressful at times. In spite of our woes though, we had to grudgingly acknowledge the many deep life lessons that we had learned and the ways in which we had grown spiritually. We concluded that we would not exchange our experiences for anything, all the while complaining, "Lord, couldn't there have been an easier way?" As she put it, "No, it had to be the way of the cross." Many other former members could probably say a hearty "Amen."

Did you enjoy The Ragamuffin Gospel, especially Chapter Nine? I read it on a continuing basis. Several months ago the author, Brennan Manning, spoke at the Christian college where I was studying. Afterwards, I bumped into him in the cafeteria, and began to explain how much his book had helped my friends and I. His affirmation of God's unconditional love and grace was just what we needed. To my embarrassment, I started crying! Right in the middle of the cafeteria. It was awkward for him, but he seemed to understand.

I've loaned several copies to friends, and they inevitably say how much it helped them. One second generation adult (SGA) read it and wrote me the following,

Another excellent book is Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl. It is quite well known; written by an Austrian psychiatrist who spent much of World War Two in Nazi concentration camps. He believes that humans are motivated by a desire for meaning in their lives, even if it is a "tragic optimism."

The book is a big help for Christians and non-Christians alike when going through tough times.

No Regrets for No Regrets

So, you want to hear about the responses to No Regrets? That's going to take some explaining. However, before I do so, I'd like to make two points clear.

First of all, I have no regrets for No Regrets. It took me about five months to write the article, working off and on. I could have completed it more quickly, but I decided to take my time to ensure that I would not write in haste and repent at leisure.

Of course I had to attend to school and work as well. I’d write for a while, and would then put it aside for a week or two, and come back and write some more. I also knew that the article was going to upset Maria and Peter greatly, so I deliberately took time to count the cost before putting into print something I knew would expose and evoke a response from them.

My objective was to tell my story as honestly, factually, and dispassionately as possible. I wanted the article to be credible, so that it would have enduring value and be a help to others. I chose my words carefully, including only the facts that I knew to be true and had reaffirmed with reliable sources. I also took care to differentiate between fact and opinion. (And who needs fiction? When it comes to Mo, Maria, and Peter, the truth is much stranger than fiction!) The point is: all of this took time.

Even so, I had a mild panic attack the evening I posted No Regrets (Mene's birthday). But I immediately read it again, and my fears subsided. What I had written was true, and I wanted to go on the record as having spoken that truth. It was the story of my adult life, paid for with my adult life, and I had a right to tell my story.

I also wanted to give people a glimpse into the inner circle of WS. Few people who have left WS have ever spoken or written of their experiences. A former member made an observation, which I think partly explains why this sometimes happens.

The COG got members so involved with immoral and illicit acts in order to disempower them, in case any of them ever did decide to declare the truth. If Maria and Peter can make victimizers out of their victims, there is not much credibility in the eyewitness' accounts. That is, unless you understand this modus operandi.

So I have no regrets for writing No Regrets. In spite of Maria and Peter publishing 180,000 words of rebuttals, the credibility of No Regrets remains intact.

"I Speak the Truth in Christ, I Lie Not"

Secondly, much of what I am going to mention is shocking, some almost unbelievable. I wrestled long and hard in thought and prayer, trying to decide if I should divulge these things to you. Much of it was originally disclosed to me in confidence. That's one of the reasons I delayed writing you; once again, I had to count the cost.

Apart from exposing Maria and Peter, the disclosures I make concerning them can hurt the faith of people both in and out of the Family. I don't want to hurt people. Before sending this letter to you, I asked a friend to read it. She has been out of the Family for many years and is a successful professional. The letter so devastated her that she felt like curling up under her desk and crying. It forced her to confront some unpleasant truths that she had not dealt with. Imagine how this information could affect a Family Member?

You see, I am sort of torn. On the one hand, I don't want to write anything about Maria, Peter, and the Family, especially if it will hurt and disillusion people. I'd rather let it all slip into the past and get on with my life. I am fortunate enough to have one. On the other hand, I feel an obligation to set the record straight concerning Maria and Peter's character and leadership. I want to inform people about what I know to be true so that their faith in Maria and Peter's spiritual leadership of the Family can be based on fact, rather than the propaganda that Maria and Peter constantly publish about themselves. This second option, which I have chosen, may cause some short term hurt, but I hope it will help bring about long term healing.

Maria and Peter like to portray their lives as open books, but their lives are far from open. There are so many things, much that I don't even mention, which they would be loath for their followers or the public to know. This letter and No Regrets barely scratch the surface. But I came to the conclusion that people have a right to know about some of it.

So, even though my writing sometimes take a lighthearted tone, or perhaps becomes a little "shrill and strident" as I vigorously debate the issues and drive home my point, I don't take the disclosing of this information lightly. As I already mentioned, much of it was entrusted to me in confidence, so it was a heavy matter for me to weigh out whether to betray former trust from others, or betray my own conscience and convictions. As you can see, the latter won. But I affirm before God that it is all true. As Paul said, so I say, "I speak the truth in Christ, I lie not" (Romans 9:1). I have no problem challenging Maria and Peter to disprove any of the specific truths, incidents, or facts that I bring to light. Most of all, I pray that when you read these truths, if they are hurtful, that you will understand that they are delivered in the spirit of "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27: 6).

What the People Say

I received about 150 individual responses at the magicgreenshirt@yahoo.com address, the vast majority of which were positive. Most were from former Family Members, thanking me for the article and expressing how much it helped them. A few friends from 30 years ago wrote and renewed acquaintances. I have also made some new email friends, including some women. Sadly, they are all married (!)

Several young people wrote heart-wrenching accounts of the suffering they had endured in the Family. A number mentioned how No Regrets confirmed much of the wrongdoing that they had suspected and that it helped them overcome the condemnation they suffered because of leaving the Family. These replies encouraged me greatly, as the young people were one audience I was hoping to reach. Unlike my generation, they have most of their lives before them. They deserve to have the information that I, a former insider, know, so that they can make informed decisions about their long-term relationship with the Family. Information is, after all, power.

In the year before I left the Family, we knew a 15-year-old girl who lived in a Home in California. She was (and still is) a wonderful girl. She hung out with a teen boy from our Home. (Her parents are Family Members, living overseas.) However, she eventually got fed up with the Family, realizing that it was a dead end, and decided to leave. By that time I knew that my days in the Family were numbered, but I could not say anything just yet. Nevertheless, I tried to encourage her that she was doing the right thing.

She was so brave, going to live with her grandparents whom she had never met. It is a scenario that happens so often in the Family; a young person wants to leave, so the parents lay aside "the weight and sin" that doth so easily beset them (the unbelieving children), on grandparents or other relatives, and then continue their "missionary work," "running with patience the race" (Hebrews 12: 1).

A couple of months later the four of us left and I called this girl to tell her the news. She said that she had already heard, and that when she did, 80% of the condemnation lifted. As this girl has so much potential for a rich and fulfilling life, her comment made me feel that leaving was worth it all, even if it helped no one else but her.

As the months passed, I realized that many other young people were in the same situation; they had left or wanted to leave, but were struggling with enormous burdens of condemnation. It became clear to me that if I wrote about my firsthand experiences and confirmed that the Family is rotten at the core, it could help young people, most of whom I would never meet, with these struggles. By making available important information that Maria and Peter deliberately conceal, I could confirm what many suspected; Maria and Peter are not worth dedicating a life to.

It seems that No Regrets did reach and help a lot of young people, and for that I am happy. Each of them has a life that can be full and rewarding. Of course, there are no guarantees, but the point is, they will have the opportunity to succeed. They can make their own choices, instead of doing what our generation of Family Members did: buy into a toxic, abusive belief system that virtually forced us to abdicate our right to choose, and almost guaranteed that we and our children would suffer long term spiritual and emotional harm. "Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned" (Proverbs 6: 27, 28)? The young people don't have to be like us; middle-aged and with plenty of regrets for wasted years, feeling compelled to warn the next generation, "Don't do as we did! Don't be Ivans" (see No Regrets).

Condemnation is a paradoxical subject. On the one hand, Maria and Peter openly encourage people who are not "on board" to leave the Family. But then they constantly condition Family Members, especially young people, that God chose them to be born into the Family to be Heaven's girls and boys for the last days. The Family is "the End Time army of David" and leaving it is leaving God's service; God's highest and best. God will be displeased with them.

For young people this can be difficult to deal with, as they have few coping skills. To leave the Family, they have to go against everything that they have been taught. So even though the door is technically open for them to leave, it is often difficult and takes a great deal of courage to do so. They frequently have little support for their choice and little training or preparation for surviving on their own. It's hard.

At least older adults have some sort of former reference to go by; an old life and some coping skills; some way of sorting out the truth from the lies. But these young people have had it all mixed together. They don't know what to believe. One young person joined a Christian youth group after leaving the Family. During a Bible study one day, she asked the others if they thought that heaven was really in the moon. They looked at her as if she was crazy. It was a humiliating experience for her, as Mo and the Family had taught her that this is the absolute truth; equal with the truths of the Bible. She had sincerely believed it.

Young people often find it devastating to sort through their lives, deconstruct their youth, and then realize that much of the "truth" they were fed is utter drivel. Then they hear that their beloved Grandpa liked to sexually abuse little girls of their generation, and that the loving shepherdess Mama Maria covered it all up, demonizing children like Mene. Many feel terribly betrayed. And many understandably view both former and current Family Members of our generation as the enemy. After all, we bought into this weirdness and helped create the environment and belief system in which they suffered.

One 25-year-old former member and mother, a fine young woman, confided that one of her biggest battles was not having many pleasant childhood memories to pass on to her child. All she can remember is spending a great deal of time fundraising and selling posters and tapes in a poor country just to survive. All for a movement that she later discovered to be abhorrent.

If nothing else, writing and publishing No Regrets has made it possible for me to correspond with, listen to, and empathize with many wonderful young people who have left the Family, but still want to do some good with their lives. Every so often I glimpse life through their eyes; the fears they face, the hardships they endure, and the obstacles they have yet to overcome. Some are so terribly alone.

Many former members my age have realized that most of the young people need friends who will listen, understand, and not judge them; friends who will be cheerleaders and encouragers; friends who will affirm that they were right to leave and encourage them to be the best that they can be. They need friends who will validate their experiences and concerns, rather than pooh-pooh them. Sadly many of the parents in the Family have abdicated that role.

Sometimes I feel that if I never did anything else besides encouraging and giving moral support to some of these wonderful young people, my life would be well spent. They are the future, and when we are old and gray, they will be hitting the prime of life and, we all hope, doing some good somewhere.

In The Jesus I Never Knew, Philip Yancey observes, "There is no more effective healer, I have found, than what Henri Nouwen calls 'a wounded healer.'" Perhaps that is a ministry our generation can have; to be wounded healers to these young people. I admire the many former Family Members who, some for many years at great cost to themselves, have done just that; sacrificially and lovingly helped young people make the transition out of the Family. God bless them.

There were some negative responses to No Regrets. A few former members discussed it on their message boards, comparing me and other former WS members to death camp guards. We were, they said, guilty for much of the harm that they and other Family Members suffered. There is a lot of truth in this, but we also suffered ourselves, a fact most former members recognize. In many ways we were victimizers, but we were also victims.

Some former members were upset about my "lunatic fringe" comments. Interestingly enough, Ed Priebe was one of them. We conversed via email and I explained more about the terrible suffering that innocent Family Members and their children had experienced during the Argentina raids. Partially as a result of our correspondence, Ed wrote a lengthy apology. I admire him for doing that, as it took humility. This apology can be found at www.geocities.com/onlyspeakingtruth. It's a pity Maria and Peter can't follow his good example.

I got an email from cult buster Steve Hassan, author of Combatting Cultic Mind Control. He wanted to establish a link to the magicgreenshirt Website, so he could refer clients who wished to know more about the Family. I declined the offer as in my opinion, professional cult busters offer a cure that is often worse than the disease. I have no desire to be associated with them.

Overall the reactions were positive and supportive, which encouraged me. Following are a few.

RESPONSES FROM MARIA AND PETER

Between July and November 2000, Maria and Peter circulated several Family publications replying to and rebutting No Regrets. These replies, which totaled about 180,000 words, are roughly equivalent to a 600-page book. (In contrast, No Regrets was about 33,000 words.) These publications included: two Good News (GNs) magazines written by Maria and Peter; six Family Special Magazines (FSMs 352 - 357) of testimonies from CROS, members of WS, and other Family personalities; and several pages of testimonies in the Grapevine Magazine. This material is available for your perusal at www.geocities.com/magicgreenshirt

Some Initial Observations

It was apparent that Maria and Peter were scared; really really scared, and very much on the defensive. Imagine how much it cost to print and mail all these publications, not to mention translating them into several languages? No Regrets had clearly damaged their credibility. Otherwise, why publish so many rebuttals? Why dignify my article with such lengthy and expensive responses? Especially as Maria and Peter said at the beginning of Stay on the Wall that they weren't going to. Their replies were damage control necessitated by real damage. Many Family Members read No Regrets and were significantly affected by the truth in it.

The replies were weak and short on substance. Maria and Peter were obviously unwilling to address the major issues in an unambiguous manner. Lord Justice Ward would probably have said (as he said to me concerning my testimony in court), "This is verbiage, Maria and Peter; this is pure verbiage. This is intellectual clap-trap. Cut the guff."

The rebuttals reminded me of the joke that Mo used to tell about the preacher who was preparing a sermon. Opposite one point he wrote in the margin, "Weak logic; pound lectern vigorously." I detected a lot of pounding, a lot of contrived indignation, a lot of smoke and mirrors deliberately designed to obscure the real issues, but very little substance or logic.

I came away from it with the feeling that the Family leadership is more mindless and unthinking than ever. I'm sure that the best and the brightest in WS worked on these replies, especially the GNs, and yet they are so anemic. I feel sorry for them if they have to fight any legal battles. The lights are on, but no one seems to be at home.

Maria and Peter never refer to No Regrets or me by name. Instead, they allude to a concerted "attack" of some sort by many ex-members. To read the GNs and FSMs, you would think that worldwide persecution had broken out, Homes were being raided, and children were being apprehended. The Great Confusion and The Tribulation were happening simultaneously, and the Devil (me), the Antichrist, and the False Prophet were loosed.

This reference to a large-scale attack by 'the Devil" and "the Enemy" was a deliberate attempt by Maria and Peter to muddy the waters. For some reason they decided to do damage control without telling Family Members who or what the problem really was. They proclaimed: "Circle the wagons! Enemies all around us are attacking! We don't want to tell you who these enemies are, are or what weapons they are using, but we do want to tell you how to fight back." They did not say, "James Penn wrote an article that really sucks, and here is our rebuttal to it."

The only "attack" going on was No Regrets; one article. No other "enemy" was "attacking" them at that time. One humble (!), self-effacing (?), unassuming (!?) former member sat at his desk, wrote an article, posted it on a free Website, and told a few people about it. That's all. It didn't cost a cent, not even the price of a stamp. No media storms, no appearances on Oprah or Larry King, no inciting the authorities to raid homes; just one article on the Web. I didn't even send it to anyone, as I felt people should choose freely whether they wanted to read it or not. It's all about choice, remember?

I also found the GNs and FSMs to be a relevant example of groupthink. My psychology textbook describes this concept.

Sound like a group we know?

STAY ON THE WALL AND NONE OF THESE THINGS MOVE ME

Let's look at what Maria and Peter wrote. First came Stay on the Wall a hastily written 4,000-word Letter telling Family Members not to read the anti-Family rhetoric that was circulating. I found one of Maria's comments particularly interesting.

Peter and I don’t have the time, and neither has the Lord shown us, to get into a detailed tit for tat defense on each point that has been leveled--verbally or in writing--against us personally or against the Word or WS.

When I read that, I said to myself, "Oh oh, Maria and Peter are laying the groundwork to justify why they are not going to deal with the 'heavy meat' of No Regrets, such as acknowledging Mo's sexual abuse of Mene and other young girls. What a nice way to conveniently ignore anything that they are guilty of." This was confirmed a few weeks later, when they published None of These Things Move Me, a 45-page 33,000-word GN rebuttal to No Regrets. In the introduction, Maria wrote,

As Peter and I mentioned in “Stay on the Wall,” we don’t have time nor has the Lord shown us to get into a tit-for-tat reply to every accusation that has been leveled against us, Dad, the Word, WS, or the Family. That’s futile, because as soon as we’d answer today’s accusations, misinterpretations or lies, our accusers would concoct another batch tomorrow.

These two Letters comprise 37,000 words, and they're not going to refute the accusations?

"[No Regrets] is Demonically Persuasive"

--Maria, None of These Things Move Me (17).

None of These Things Move Me starts with a 2,000-word explanation of why Family Members should not read anything critical of the Family. Maria and Peter don't identify No Regrets by name, yet they tell Family Members that reading such material is "not going to make you happy . . .[and] will very likely confuse you, and we know where that comes from, since God is not the author of confusion, but of peace" (paragraph 9).

They continue, "We'd like to protect you for your own peace of mind . . . You'll find it very depressing (10) . . .. Peter and I are not trying to keep you under our control (11) . . .. We're not trying to hide anything from you . . . .It will cause you spiritual problems (12) . . . .If we let our focus get off balance to where we concentrate on the negative, then it's going to distort our perception of the way things really are (15)."

And then the punch line! They write,

Isn't that a classic? No Regrets exposes Maria and Peter's sins and cover-ups, and they have the nerve to tell Family Members "Trust us, you don't have to read any of the accusations, as we have and none of it is true!" It's hard to believe that they are still using these primitive controlling techniques in their Letters. And it's even harder to believe that Family Members actually fall for them.

Maria and Peter end this Letter with the following detailed instructions for any Family Members who have read No Regrets. I include this in case you or any of your family feels an overwhelming desire to be cleansed after reading this letter.

Can you imagine how long it would take to read all these Letters, not to mention 130 Family Activity Reports? Family Members are told to submit to this simply because they have read No Regrets, or any other material critical of the Family. Difficult to believe.

As Maria Sees It: Child Abuse, Fondling, and Sweet Affection

None of These Things Move Me attempted to address the issues of sexual abuse of minors that I raised in No Regrets. Given their options, all of which are permanently ingrained on my brain's hard drive, Maria and Peter presented a defense that conveniently swept several glaring inconsistencies under the carpet. Amongst other things, they quoted from a Family Policy Statement issued in April 1992. They wrote,

Good public relations, but not the truth.

A central premise of No Regrets was that Mo, Maria, and Peter encouraged and advocated the sexual abuse of minors. Eventually they had to publicly recant, as is evidenced by the above-quoted Statement. But in spite of these public declarations, Mo, Maria, and Peter still felt that sexual contact with children was acceptable, and often voiced those sentiments to those of us in the "inner circle."

As I explained in No Regrets, this was one of the issues that caused such a crisis for faith for me. I was writing the Family Policy Statement on Child Abuse, which said that Mo, Maria, and Peter never intended for adults to have sex with children, but that the usual suspects, weak and immature family leaders and members went to the extreme. Yet I knew that Mo, Maria and Peter felt that adults having sexual contact with minors was acceptable. (It went on in their house well into the 90's.) This is what flipped me out; the lies, cover-ups and duplicity. Mo, Maria, and Peter were knowingly lying to the Family and public, not to mention clinging to a doctrine and practice that was abhorrent.

Since I released No Regrets, a series of interesting Family documents, entitled Summit Jewels, has been made available to me. An excerpt clearly reveals two points: Maria and Peter's belief that adults having sexual contact with children was acceptable, and their willingness to lie about it to the Family and the public in Family policy Statements.

If I had had the Summit Jewels when I wrote No Regrets, I would have included this excerpt. When I first read it, I thought, "This is exactly what I was trying to explain in No Regrets. This illustrates, in Maria's own words, the duplicity and depravity that I witnessed first hand during that era." (While in WS I had read the Summit Jewels, but did not keep copies.)

So what were the Summit Jewels? During the 1990's, Family leaders got together nearly every year with Peter and some WS Members for secret "Summit" meetings, which usually lasted four to six weeks. At these meetings, the participants discussed problems and were further indoctrinated in Mo, Maria, and Peter's less publicized views about Family doctrines and practices. For several years, Maria sent the summit attendees copies of Summit Jewels, highly confidential compilations of her unpublished comments on a variety of subjects. These off-the-record thoughts and instructions were intended to help the leaders do a better job.

The 1992 Summit, where the Summit '93 Mama Jewels series was distributed, was held near the end of 1992 in Budapest. (The publication is dated '93 as the policies and decisions finalized at the Summit would be implemented in 1993.) 1992 had been a tumultuous year. It began with the opening of Pearl's case in England. Lamb's case in Australia ran its course. In May, police and social services raided the Family Homes in Australia, apprehending 140 children. In June and July, a child abuse-centered "media storm" took place in Japan, where Mene went public with her testimony.

In response to these events, WS published several Policy Statements, including the one Maria quoted above. I authored another one that specifically addressed issues of child abuse in the Family. As mentioned in No Regrets, this latter Statement admitted that some children in the Family had been sexually abused, but vigorously condemned any such instances. It stated that Mo, Maria, and Peter had never intended for adults to have sexual contact with minors, they had never condoned it, and that they had made it an excommunicable offence in 1986.

This was the backdrop for the 1992 Summit. The leaders gathered together, sitting at Maria and Peter's feet to learn from them and be strengthened. Amongst other things, Peter distributed copies of the Summit '93 Mama Jewels series. Given the events of the year, it was hardly surprising that Maria devoted part of this series to dispensing her thoughts and advice to the leaders on child abuse-related issues. Following is the counsel that she felt was timely and appropriate.

(Some skeptics may doubt the authenticity of this document, so I have scanned an original hard copy that was distributed to Family leaders. The pertinent pages can be viewed at http://www.xfamily.org/images/3/36/Summit_93_mama_jewels.pdf. I have also shown the original to many knowledgeable former members.)

These concerns of Maria eventually surfaced a few months later, somewhat modified, in GN555, Our Beliefs on the Law of Love. As I mentioned in No Regrets, Lord Justice Ward immediately discredited this GN.

Let's look at this advice that Maria was dispensing to her leaders. Maria felt that everything Mo wrote on the subject of adults having sexual contact with minors was good and not to be denied. "We certainly don't want to say that the Letters were wrong, or to say anything that will infer that the Letters were wrong, because they weren't wrong." So why does the above-quoted Policy Statement say that they were "renounced and forbidden?" She apologizes to the leaders that the Statement on Child Abuse does not reflect "our full beliefs on this issue." What are those full beliefs? She is very concerned that children not get the wrong idea from the Policy Statement, that all the sex they've had with adults is wrong.

She has a great desire to let children know that sexual affection with adults is not inherently bad and that even if they had a bad experience, "we need to show them…it still wasn't abuse." According to Maria, children in the Family were not abused. Period. And the leaders need to show any children who think they were abused that they weren't.

And then there is the clear admission that the Policy Statement deliberately misleads the Family and the public.

If Maria and Peter's version of events in None of These Things Move Me is true, if Mo, Maria, and Peter outlawed sexual contact between adults and minors in 1986, if the Policy Statement that is quoted above is true, then why, six months or so after that Statement was written in 1992, was Maria making her Summit '93 Mama Jewels' comments to Family leaders?

Summit '93 Mama Jewels illustrates how Maria and Peter justified adults having sexual contact with minors long after they had publicly denounced it. It was a burning issue to Maria and Peter, one that had to be clearly explained lest the under-shepherds be confused by the Policy Statements on the subject. The leaders had to understand what Maria and Peter really believed, so that when they returned to their fields, they could better convince abused children that they had not really been abused.

Summit'93 Mama Jewels also shows how Maria and Peter were quite willing to lie to and deceive both the public and Family Members. They did not have a problem with "playing along with [the System] and acting like we believe what we did was wrong."

I lived with this insanity and depravity on a daily basis. It was eventually a major reason for me leaving the Family. I simply could not accept Maria and Peter's insistence that we unconditionally accept their "new wine" as the Word of God. I had seen too much lying, too much deception, and too much perversion. How could I have unconditional faith in leaders who believed that the sexual abuse of children is fine, and told the Family and public that they had renounced the idea while privately promoting it? How could I have unconditional faith in leaders who told abused children that they had not been abused?

Maria's Rape Relief Center

This is a little off the subject, but while reading the various Summit Jewels, I came across Maria's advice to victims of rape. I'm passing this on to you in case your teen daughter is ever raped. We're so fortunate to have Maria's compassion, sensitivity, and insight to draw on in time of need. This excerpt is from a publication entitled Texas Mama Jewels --No. 1 (For Summit Use Only!) Page 21. The Texas Summit was held in late 1991.

Oh, and in the same pub, on page 28, Maria has these parting words for us, which will give more relevance to her views.

Isn't it reassuring to know that Maria is so consistent?

THE PASTOR'S PILLOW: Maria and Peter's Apology to Mene

I read with interest what Maria and Peter had to say about Mene. Were they going to finally acknowledge Mo's systematic sexual abuse of Mene and other young girls? Was Maria going to acknowledge that she covered it up and deliberately orchestrated a massive demonization of Mene? For ease of reading, I quote in full what Maria and Peter wrote about Mene in None of These Things Move Me.

For many reasons I found this anemic apology to be much too little and 13 years too late. To anyone with an understanding of the situation, it is irrelevant and a mockery. I'll explain.

Maria has only belatedly offered this apology because she had to. If I had never written No Regrets, Maria never would have apologized. She's not genuinely sorry; she's sorry that she was exposed and had to give some explanation to her followers, if for no other reason than to do damage control. That's often the only thing she understands; the 2 x 4 treatment.

Maria wrote, "I'm very sorry, Mene, for any and all harm and hurt you experienced when you lived in our Home or any other Home." If, as Maria says, everyone was loving and kind, then who was inflicting this harm? The usual suspects; weak and immature leaders? Why don't Maria and Peter act like real leaders and take responsibility for their actions and say, "We are truly sorry that we inflicted so much harm and hurt on you"? Why doesn't Peter say, "Mene, I'm sorry that I publicly humiliated you when you were a young teen by making you lift your skirt as I spanked you in front of two dozen Family leaders.”

Maria's weak excuse for the delay in apologizing is, in the words of Eeyore (of “Winnie the Pooh”), "Paaathetic." Maria says, "I respected [Mene's] wishes." Maria is not known for respecting anyone's wishes. Did Maria respect Mene's wishes when she published hundreds of pages demonizing Mene in two long GNs, some FSMs, Traumatic Testimonies, as well as Letters written in her own hand? And as I mentioned in No Regrets, Maria was only planning to apologize for not getting medical help for Mene sooner. When Mene refused to meet with Sara, Maria was probably quite relieved.

The issue of an apology and explanation does not only concern Mene. If Mo, Maria, and Peter had "privately" abused Mene, with no mention made in Family publications, then perhaps a "private" apology would be adequate. But Mo, Maria, and Peter deliberately demonized Mene in a myriad of Family publications.

They did this for two reasons. First; to destroy her credibility in the eyes of Family Members, in case she ever decided to tell what Grandpa and Mama Maria really did to her. Second; to scare the hell out of any young people who were thinking of doubting the Wonder Working Words of the Prophet David. In the GNs The Last State and Its Up to You, Mo, Maria, and Peter were giving Family adults a blueprint; a Raise'm Right manual for how to deal with problem teenagers. Follow the Prophet's good example and your child can be saved from the Devil's grasp.

These publications spawned a wave of abuse and set the stage for the so-called Victor Camps. Who knows how many children throughout the Family were beaten, exorcised, and publicly humiliated as a direct result of these "Mene" publications? Former Family Members, who lived in Peru at the time, testify of Juan returning from Mo's house and initiating similar exorcisms and beatings. Why not? After all, Juan's "eyes had seen the glory" of Mo, Maria, and Peter's personal example.

So regardless of whether Mene wanted to meet with Sara or not to receive a private apology, Maria and Peter had, and continue to have, an enormous, overwhelming, and compelling obligation to publicly set the record straight and apologize at length to the Family as well as to the former members who suffered as a result of these publications. Maria's bland, tepid, one-sentence apology, "I am also sorry that we published anything about it then or referred to it later, as it put a young girl who was having problems in a very bad light," is simply not good enough, and does not begin to address or heal the incredible hurt and harm that she, Mo, and Peter directly inflicted on Mene and other children.

It is a classic case of The Pastor's Pillow. In case you no longer have your Treasures book, here is the story.

Mo, Maria, and Peter deliberately spread the feathers, their Mene publications, far and wide. They have done it countless times in other situations over the years. And each time when things go wrong and someone whacks them over the head with a 2 x 4 to draw their attention to it, they feel that a simple "Oops, I'm sorry," is sufficient. They then shoot the wounded, dump the bodies off the back of the wagon, and go merrily on their way, "to another mountain, to another land, gypsies of the Lord." No talk of accountability, no effort to right the wrongs or put safeguards in place to protect the Family from their spiritual pride and arrogance.

It is shocking to leaf through the Family literature of the late 80's and early 90's, much of which is still in circulation, and see the extent to which Mo, Maria, and Peter succeeded in making Mene a literal byword in the Family. "Oh, so and so is a real Mene case." This is especially true in the "Techi Series," which Maria refers to in glowing terms in None of These Things Move Me.

Following are a few excerpts from Family publications that illustrate how Mo, Maria, and Peter demonized Mene. They illustrate why a full apology and explanation to the Family and former members is needed. These excerpts are lengthy, but I feel it is important to put them on the public record.

In 1992 Mene began speaking out publicly about the abuse she had suffered in the Family, and particularly how Mo had repeatedly sexually abused her. Maria launched an all-out campaign to destroy Mene's credibility; a campaign that was epitomized by the incredibly vitriolic Letter, False Accusers in the Last Days.

I am quoting extensive excerpts from the original version, as they reveal what Maria is capable of when her anger is roused. She never actually acknowledges or denies Mene's accusations that Grandpa sexually abused her. Instead, she tries to distract the Family by emphasizing how crazy Mene was, discrediting the messenger, not the message. That's because Mene's message was true.